I'm Gorpo the Pretty Good (you may know my brother, Orko the
Great, who is busy saving Eternia single-handedly and with
absolutely no help whatsoever from anyone at all from Skeletor).
Anyway, I've been, uh, asked to do this as a part of my community
service after the Big Chicken Incident (don't ask, really).
So ask about life, love, poultry, whatever. Just send it my
way at firstname.lastname@example.org
and I'll try to answer as best I can. By the way, you can
find all the old issues here.
another segment of my wonderful column featuring your moronic
letters. And the few shining stars who praise me like the deity
I am. Thank you, you will be spared when the end comes, and
I take over the universe! Which I will promptly rename "Gorpo's
Happy Crazy Fun-Park Land." Now, onto the punishment.
seem angry. are you angry? if so, why are you angry? is there
anything we, your fans, can do to help?
do you need a hug?
pps- keep in mind i am a beautiful lady.
I tend to be angry. See, it all starts out with fear. Fear
leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to the Dark
Side, the Dark Side leads to a horrible community service
ruling that says you have to write an advice column for morons.
That's right, I said morons. Believe me, dealing with idiots
on a daily basis isn't my idea of fun. It's cruel and unusual
punishment. The High Justice Council of Justice's Cruel and
Unusual Punishment Department ought to get a medal or a plaque
or something for this. You, my fans (and there damn well better
be huge legions of you, you punks), can help by coming up
with new and interesting ways of taking over this planet.
And the other planets. Pretty much the whole universe, actually.
Except Britain. I've heard it's a bore. And I can't stand
Cricket. But I could sure use a hug, especially if you're
a beautiful lady. And especially if it's one of those 'special'
hugs. You know what I mean.
Why do all the Etarnian women have the same "proportions"? You
know what I mean, yeah, thats it. The sorceress, Evil-lyn, the
queen, Teela...hmmm teela...want to touch..hmmmm, uh, i mean...yes.
There all the same, im not complianing, its good, very good,
Wow, a guy after my own heart. Or some other important organ.
Anyway, all o' them foxy Eternian ladies look alike 'cause
they've all got the same plastic surgeon. Except Teela. Oh
yes, she's all real.
Listen, I would like to know who this "Ram-Man" is that everybody
keeps talking about? Every fan of "mature" cinema knows I'm
the real Ram-Man. I've stared in 6 out of the 7 films, from
"Ram-Man Meets Forrest Rump" to "Ram-Man Does Dallas". The only
Ram-Man movie I wasn't in was the 1978 blaxploitation film starring
Rudy Ray Moore called "Ram-Man in Africa". Although, I would
like to take this opportunity to say once and for all the whole
"Ram-Guy" series of films is nothing but a rip-off, full of
shameless, poorly lit "scenes". Anyhoo, I don't know who this
"Ram-Man" you guys keep talking about is, but I'm the real Ram-Man.
If you want I can show you the tatoo of the Randy Badger on
my @$$. You tell this fake Ram-Man to meet me at Naughty Little
Pixie Studios and we'll have my co-starring actresses from "Ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong
III" decide who's the real Ram-Man once and for all. Oh and
if Ram-Guy shows up, well, let's just say I've got a six-pack
of whoop-@$$ riding shot-gun.
the real Ram-Man
Ram-Man, yes you're the real Ram-Man, all the other Ram-Men
are just... uh, Ramitating... Um...sorry, my Trollan radio
reception went out and I ended up with some Earth station.
Rest assured, I've "taken measures" with all those responsible
for that song. I'm quite familiar with your work, and Ram-Guy
is most certainly a loser. Anyway, the Ram-Man we often mention
is a 'hero' here, who pretends to be slow-witted, while plotting
a conquest of the planet. Unfortunately for him, constantly
hitting things with his head for the past twenty-something
years has damaged his brain, and he doesn't realize it. So,
every one of his plans to take over the world is even worse
than Hordak's ("Let's get giant robots to destroy flowers!
That'll show those rebels!"). Anyway, I have no problem with
you kicking his ass, but according to Frosta, he has earned
his name... ugh. Anyway, I'll pass the message along, look
for a short guy in a big helmet outside Naughty Little Pixie
Studios soon. Oh, by the way, when's your next film coming
out? I can't wait!
Gorpo, Lord of all Trollan Wisdom!
few weeks ago, I was just walking around. Finally, my way
ended at Orko's home. I thought "Hell, why not just talk a
little bit with him?" and knocked at his door. But nobody
opened me. So I watched through the window and there I saw
Orko. And Snout Spout! And Snout Spout had his...um...snout
under Orko's robe! Please, kill them! Damn, I poked even three
weeks later! Kill them! Kill Orko and Snout Spout and take
over Eternia! Besides, I believe, years ago, Keldor saw a
similar scene, ivolving Randor and his long-time secret girlfriend
Gwildor. Watching at this, Keldor went crazy, ripped his face
off and became Skeletor.
Eternian Servant, who saw too much
Kids, never watch through windows (I mean you, Ram Man!)
An, Wow, that's even worse than the time I walked in on Battle
Cat and Katrina. Fur all over the place, kitty litter on the
walls... disgusting. Anyway, the Keldor thing is a myth, an
old urban legend. Keldor actually just got real pissed when
his mom bought Randor a toy truck, and forgot about him, so
he drank a bunch of paint thinner, and his face sort of melted
off. Then he died. Oh, Skeletor's no relation. I don't know
how that runor got started. As for Ram-Man, I don't think
he needs to watch through windows... hell, he has all o' them
naughty little pixies to take care of him.
Since you answered my Lion-O Question...answer this: Why Do
Pigs Have Curly Tails? Do Unto Others, And...Uh.......YOUR MOMMA!
You are an idiot. Pigs have curly tails because...everyone
loves a slinky, everyone loves a slinky, it's slinky, it's
slinky, go, Slinky! Go! Oh...yes...anyway, so to answer your
question, they have curly tails because evolution wanted an
animal that was fun to drop down the stairs. And do unto others
as their casa es su glitters is not a bird in the bush. Or
I'm afraid that my younger sister may be inherantly evil.She
was alright for the first years of her life; Sure, she liked
to bite people... hit people... set fire to people... All water
under the bridge. The problem now is that she is beginning to
display definate evil characteristics. Her voice has become
a sinister scratchy whisper, she calls people "Fool" and "Imbecile",
She's developing a tendency to raise one eyebrow slyly and laugh
maniacally at the oddest moments, and she seems to be developing
a jaundice-like condition, turning her skin yellow. Worst of
all, she's beginning to take a definite interest in "MTV". All
of these are obvious signs of evil, yet whenever I attempt to
slay her in the name of all things pure and righteous, I'M the
bad guy!!!!!! Please offer your advice on this problem as soon
Sounds like a classic case of Sibling Rivalry. The best thing
to do in this case is to nurture your sister's evil side.
If you don't, she could end up exploding while trying...to
take over... the universe...I'm sorry, it's just that...this
topic hits so close to home. My own little sister, the one
our family denies ever having, and they all continue to insist
was just a horrible nightmare I had after eating too much
Gdsjgo'igf'ikfj-lovers pizza before bed, went evil, and we
tried to stop her, but she tried to take over the universe,
and blew up. Then Queen Victoria floated by, and refereed
the mus-wrestling match between Katrina and Frosta, and the
sky turned into a big orange kite, and I ate the biggest marshmallow
in the world. Then, after someone had obviously wiped my memory
of the intervening time, and disposed of all evidence of my
sister, I woke up, and my pillow was gone! Anyway, just be
a loving brother, and stay out of her way. Maybe she'll even
make you a lackey... then you'll be livin' the high life.
Dude from what I've read so far from you, you're more annoying
than Orko could ever be! By any chance, are you related to 2
guys from the f***ed-up planet Earth called Beavis and Butt-head,
because I can see a bit of a resemblence, shorty!
Ryan, Hey, you watch MTV and you're an idiot! I never would
If skeletor was so smart, why did he keep trying to take over
a primitive, backwards planet like Eternia? Sure, Earth's no
utopia, but at least we have nuclear technology. Sword of power...HA!
Let's see what you do with an H-bomb, He-man!!!!! Uh....well...bye.
No one ever said Skeletor was smart. But, you see, it's not
Eternia that's backwards...it's Earth. Eternians were developing
the things you consider hi-tech when your people were still
living in trees, picking ticks off each other. (Actually,
some of you, like my best pal Ryan up there, still do. Strange
but true!) Hasn't it occurred to you that Eternia is a lot
more advanced than your pathetic mudball? I mean, they not
only have magic resources, but also clean fuel, hovercraft,
space travel, Tony Danza, energy weapons... these are the
things your people only dream about. Skeletor considered conquering
Earth once, but one look at it, and he burst out laughing.
And decided not to waste his resources.
I was wondering if man at arms was a sort after figer because
i had bought it and never sore it again in the shops and i never
ever seen any other kids with it. ohh and could you tell me
what the name of that red spider thing with 2 heads was called
because i had it but i cant remember the name.
Bro, Aaran M
Don't wonder about Man-At-Arms' finger. Especially not after
-- ugh, you don't want to know what dark recesses that thing
has probed. And I'm glad you were never sore again in the
shops... it's a bad place to be sore in. That one time that
I was sore in the shops it ruined my entire day. The name
of that red spider thing with 2 heads was called The Two-Headed
Red Spider Thing. Cheers was a good show, but I can't help
wondering what Ted Danson would be doing if it had gone on
just a few more years. Certainly not "Becker"... eeeew. Lord,
you people have bad taste.
he-man sounds like a pussy in french. do u agree?
Everybody sounds like a pussy while speaking French. I hate
Please answer my humble Etherian question- I heard that all
the while General Sundar was married to that rebel peasent,
Malee, he was secretly trysting with Double Trouble. Is there
any truth to this at all?
Ah, yes, another loyal follower. You people are what keep
me doing this column. Oh, and those big muscular thugs the
High Council of Justice and All That Stuff employs. As for
Sunder's relationship with Double Trouble: No, Sundar is a
good, decent man. Mally, on the other hand, often comes over
at night, and we "talk" for hours. Sometimes the "talking"
gets so intense that the people in the apartment above start
banging on the floor to get us to quiet our "talking." Personally,
I like it when Mally "talks" with her mouth full. Ahem
it for this batch of letters. I guess. Everyone with problems
(and that includes you) keep writing to email@example.com!"