I'm Gorpo the Pretty Good (you may know my brother, Orko the
Great, who is busy saving Eternia single-handedly and with
absolutely no help whatsoever from anyone at all from Skeletor).
Anyway, I've been, uh, asked to do this as a part of my community
service after the Big Chicken Incident (don't ask, really).
So ask about life, love, poultry, whatever. Just send it my
way at firstname.lastname@example.org
and I'll try to answer as best I can. By the way, you can
find all the old issues here.
Readers, it seems (as you will see in this massive session)
that some of you have realized that I am your mental and social
superior, and now regard me as a god. I knew you humans weren't
all stupid. So, read on, my loyal army of mindless followers
and blind worshippers.
How are you?
Why, I'm just busy whipping up a 'don't waste my time' Doomberry
Pie right as we speak...
I was recently directed to the He-Man.org site by a friend,
and have since read every letter posted in your section. It's
obvious to me, and I would think to anyone else with half a
brain, that you're a good deal more intelligent than any of
the other residents of Eternia or Etheria... and that includes
both heroes and villains. I'm not sure what could have caused
your former mentors on Trolla to declare that bumbling excuse
for a court jester, Orko, 'great' and you only 'pretty good'.
Now, I don't practice magic myself, but I've always been of
the impression that it relied heavily on the sharpness and strength
of the mind. I mean, look at how Orko always finds exactly what
he's NOT looking for when he starts pulling things out of nowhere.
If I'm right, then with your superior mental powers, it would
stand to reason that you'd also have superior MAGICAL powers.
here's my big question: Why haven't you taken over the Earth
technology can't match that of the Horde, or even Eternia,
and almost no one here uses magic anymore except for a few
lousy witches and warlocks who think they have power because
they're good at kissing demon butt to get favors. I mean,
come on, what are you waiting for? An invitation? Well if
so, consider yourself invited. Earth would be a hell of a
lot more interesting with you ruling it, and once you've awakened
this planet's dormant magical energies and assembled a loyal
army over here, I'm willing to bet you could take Eternia
as well... And after that, Etheria should come fairly easily.
You've got a lot of supporters down here, you know. Earth's
a pretty pathetic planet, yeah, but it doesn't have to stay
that way. Not with you as our leader. Maybe you can see some
big picture that I can't, and that's why you haven't come
yet, but if so I'm begging you not to wait too long.
future servant (hopefuly),
Let me start off by saying I like you. I really like you.
You're the kind of person that the Earth needs more of: worshippers
of me, Almighty Gorpo. No, your technology can't match that
of the Horde, and most of your magicians and warlocks are
pretty lame (except those guys who sit in their parents' basements
and play "Dungeons and Dragons" ...beware of them,
they're a lot more powerful than you think!), but I prefer
a challenge. Sure, I could waltz in and use my magic to kick
the Earth's collective ass, but I'm working on doing it slowly,
so no one really suspects anything, then, like my Earth-bound
ally Emeril, BAM!! -- I take your whole planet over and create
orchards of Waffle Trees and make all of your great supermodels
and actresses into my personal love slaves. And you, Lunarhound,
as my first and greatest follower, shall share in my glorious
reign, as I rule the Earth with an iron fist, which I just
stole from Fisto! Haha! I do see the big picture, and you
can already see the disruptions in nature that I've caused
on your planet. How else does someonelike Bill Clinton become
the leader of the free world? How do supermodels defy gravity?
How does Roseanne exist without pulling your planet into her
gravitational pull? Me. Yes, that's right, just about every
little thing you can't explain is due to my manipulations,
and soon I will pull them all together, and none of you will
be able to stop me! Besides that, my parole agreement only
allows me to take over planets in "teensy-tiny steps
so as not to disturb the cosmic balance".
Today, I was sleeping in school as usual, and i wondered..."hey,
could He-Man kick Liono (of Thundercats) ass? Maybe they've
been in a drunken bar-tussle before"! So Gorpo, my poor
cynnical friend, who woul win if the Thundercats guy were to
take on He-Man. Just picture the Sword of Power clashing with
the Sword of Omens. Meanwhile, Mum-Ra and Skeletor have a few
cold ones hoping that the two muscle-bound yet not very smart
heroes will kill each other or something to that effect. Do
they even know each other? Are you buddies with Snarf? Who would
win the fight? Answer these and remember: Do unto others...then
run like hell.
Oddly enough, just last week, He-Man walked into the Laughing
Swan Bar For Washed-Up Cartoon Heroes, got completely drunk,
and insulted the mothers of pretty much everyone there. Lion-O
was one of the first to challenge the drunken Master of the
Universe, but He-Man bashed him over the head with Captain
Planet's severed arm, and knocked him out cold. Then he beat
up that Wonder Twin chick and drank her brother through a
beer bong. I was buddies with Snarf, until I realized that
he was almost as annoying as Loo-Kee. He was... delicious.
Emeril helped me out with the recipe. BAM!! Anyway, Lion-O
is now conscious and looking for a rematch, this time without
Captain Planet, the one-armed bandit, getting in the way.
Oh, and remember: Do unto others, then blame it on someone
My question is *hic* Where can i find these frat parties you
mentioned on your last column *hic* thannnnnnnnkkkkkssssssssss
You know, Skeletor, I warned you last time. Write me again,
and face the consequences. I'll pull out the old "Rob
Liefeld Gun Spell" and open a can of deus ex machina
on your ass. Or I'll sic Emeril on you. BAM!!
Oh, thou keeper of all the wisdom & related trivia worth
knowing, please enlighten me with your endless pools of information.
Tell me about the anatomy of Trollan ladies. And what do they
were under those 'nothing-gets-seen' robes. And while you are
at it, do they happen to have any interest in us humanoids?
could I meet them? (Outside of your homeworld, that is. There's
nothing worse than the girl's father coming in just as I intend
to 'come in' as well...) Not so that I'd be asking you to
set me up with one of your female cousins or anything like
that...at least without a notable compensation.
rounding up as much valuables as it might take,
Ah, another person who knows the subtle art of flattery. Well,
you see, Trollan women are Trolla's best-kept secret, and
I'm technically not supposed to divulge that information.
What I can tell you is that they've got the best refooomabs
you'll ever see, and their gloobars are bigger than your head!
Some of them wear that designer chic line, "Vagfhodsihsgds's
Secret" under their robes, others wear nothing at all...
mrrrrrow. A lot of them are interested in humanoids, especially
(for some reason foreign to me) the ones on the WB's "Popular."
Of course, those are the young, misguided ones. You can meet
them at most Eternian bars, and on some street corners, but
with those ones, if you're in it for love, you ain't gonna
get too far. Your best bet would be to somehow transform yourself
into a Trollan. The spell isn't too hard, actually. Of course,
there have been the people who end up turning into a plain
old fleece shirt, but such cases are... not too common. Old
Navy usually gives them a good home, anyway.
So been reading my diary eh ... I think I ought to let you know
ive given up my dream of taking of the world after you decided
to tell everyone about it. You would not believe how many people
have been on my back about it! Thats the last time I help you
out you little purple son of a b****! And i think you know what
i mean when i say "help you out" Next time you feel
the need to share my personal secrets with everyone just think
about what I said ok!
Btw Orko IS more talented than you!
First, I'm blue, you color-blind son of a bearded cow-like
sea creature. Second, it's not like you made it hard for me
to read your diary, especially when it was sitting on your
bed, with the key tied to it, and "Ram-Man's Plans of
World Domination and Intimate Thoughts" stamped on it
in big red letters. I'm glad you finally gave up that stupid
idea anyway. We all know that you'd never find a magnet that
big. And, if by "help me out" you mean "give
me some stupid idea about making everyone breakdance into
exhaustion, then take over the planet while they're not looking",
then I'm glad it's the last time. They tried it in the '80s,
it didn't work, and it sure as hell won't work now. And the
next time I share your personal secrets will be on the upcoming
Fox special "When Good Guys Who Hit Things With Their
Heads Go Bad and Have Intimate Thoughts." And guess what,
Orko's more talented than you. And that three-faced roommate
of yours brings home more ladies than you ever will. They
should start calling him Man-E-Ladies-At-The-Same-Time, instead.
Why is it the Hordak figure smelled like the Stinkor figure.
I was just always curious. Was it just mine, or did everyone's
smell like that?
Skeletor is a pansy. Eternia rulz!!
Daddy Jeff C.
You *really* don't want to know.
OK, I don't really have much time on me hands, so I'll get to
the point- I haven't seen Shades Of Orko, and I need ya to answer
me a couple of things. I mean, I WANT to see Shades Of Orko,
but if your Eternian dollar was going the same way as our Aussie
dollar, you wouldn't be too quick to send overseas for something
either! Anyway, back on track- why does the almighty, wonderful,
magnificent, etc etc etc Shadow Weaver dislike your brother
Orko? I mean, not that there's any reason to LIKE him, but did
they have some tiff in the past or something?
that one day Orko will fall dead out of the sky,
Suzanne, Shadow Weaver fan >:P
I don't have much time on my hands either, I generally wash
it off. It tends to stick to my clothes. So, on to your question
(in which you used the word 'almighty' to describe someone
other than ME... you will be destroyed later). Shadow Weaver
hates Orko, because he bumped into her when she was six, and
her ice cream fell off the cone onto the ground. She hated
him ever since. Oh, and he crashed a Wind Raider into her
backyard, which forced her sixteen newborn puppies to wear
leg braces and cones around their heads for ...going on eight
years now. I'm sure that contributed along the line. Now,
though, after she won her shadow back on The People's Court,
they've surprisingly become the best of friends. They're out
having coffee right now. And she's secretly plotting to kill
him. She can't hide her diary any better than Ram-Man.
I'm a Turkish He-Man fan from many years.I watched lots of episodes
of the great saga...Also my dogs names are He-Man and Orko :)
Q is about "Eternia Pornograhpy"...I'm looking for
He-Man and Masters of the Universe sex cartoons!!! Where can
i find them??? Thanks a lot....
You named your dogs after the two most annoying creatures
on Eternia? Wow, either they're Chihuahuas, or they're going
to be in doggie counseling for years. About your desire for
cartoon characters in compromising situations with TV-MA ratings...
all those sites were shut down by Teela (seems she was only
17 when those photographs were taken). I have them on my hard
drive, and in large 60x180 format on my wall, though. No,
you can't have them.
any idea where He-Man t-shirts can be found?
for your time,
In He-Man's t-shirt drawer, of course.
hey i was kinda courious, you get kinda mad when no one talk
about you or asks about you, so i will, do you have your own
web sight, and are their any, and i mean any toys of you, or
if not can i paint that dumb orco to look like you so i can
have my very own gorpo???
(gorpo for ever) b
I was kinda curious, too: did you really like Life cereal,
or was it all an act? As for your question, yes, I have my
own web sight on the end of my own web gun. I use it to catch
flies. Then I torture them. Mercilessly! Bwahahahahahahaha!!
is one toy of me, Teela has it to keep her warm on cold nights...
at least, she thinks it's a toy. Anyway, if you paint one
of those god-awful Orko toys to look like me, I'll personally
shove a ripcord in your side and rip it out and see how you
like spinning around until you fall over. Todd McFarlane is
making a toy of me... but I think it'll probably end up being
incredibly detailed and muscular, with all kinds of torture
devices and painful weapons. As well as being as poseable
as Gwildor on a cold morining, and being splattered with blood
and guts. And it'll snap apart more easily than Teela's bra
strap when we... wrestle. At least, that's what we tell Adam.
I plan to turn it sideways and shove it up his Canadian ass
(McFarlane's, not Adam's). And then I'll steal his McGwire
Baseballs and sell 'em on eBay. Muhahahahahahaha!
hi there,i am a swedish boy 16 years old that are in love with
the sorceress,but dont wont to make trouble for He-man and her.so
i have a question what should i do?
First, you've got to practice your English a little more.
The Sorceress is wise, but she still can't speak any languages
other than English and Klingon. Second, dating her wouldn't
cause trouble for He-Man, unless you were keeping her on the
phone or something while he was in serious trouble, like when
he tries to empty the lint catcher on the dryer. Third, you've
got to realize that you're on a completely different planet,
and you've only seen the Sorceress on a cartoon! Jeez, go
out in the real world and look for real women who don't wear
feathers! Or ones that do, whatever suits your fantasies.
me are Thag. me like Gorpo. me learn how read so me can write
Gorpo. Gobar teach Thag write good and read some. he always
read Dear Gorpo to rest of tribe. him smart but look funny.
he have blue body and yellow head. he not like Thag and rest
of tribe but him have shinies. he give Thag shiny. Thag like
pretty shiny. ok. Thag have thing to ask Gorpo.
to the nature of evil alliances with the strong always dominating
the weak, how was Skeletor able to hold the loyalty of his
lackies. Honestly, it should be obvious to any troglodyte
that after so many failures on Skeletor's part that his henchmen
would soon find a new leader among themselves. Someone with
more vision and sound strategies should have arisen and overthrown
the Dark Lord of Destruction. My question, simply put, is
why the devil did this never happen?
say Gorpo smart. if Gorpo know answer Thag will give shiny
to Gorpo. me have lots bright shinies. pretty. Thag want give
shout out to home-boy Ram-Man. him drink lots of grogg and
not fall down. do right thing.
Wow, I want you in my army. I could use a dim-witted caveman-type
who has flashes of genius. Yours is the most intelligent question
this website has ever recieved, probably. This place draws
morons like a buffet bar draws plus-sized models. Oh, and
will you be sending that shiny by mail or FedEx? Anyway, the
reason none of the henchmen ever found a leader amongst themselves
is twofold. First, they bicker too much with each other to
get anything done, even as little as Skeletor ever did. Hell,
Two-Bad bickers with himself! Second, you said it'd be obvious
to any troglodyte, but none of Skeletor's lackies are troglodytes,
and few are that smart. His smartest henchman is Spikor, but
no one can stand his voice long enough to realize it. He sounds
like someone scratched their fingernails on a chalkboard while
pureeing a cat eating silverware. So, like your planet's American
government, no one is smart enough to do anything successfully,
and no one is bold enough to change it. Of course, if I ran
things, it'd be different. Evil-Lyn would walk around naked,
for one thing. And I'd chain Beast Man out back. And we'd
have more pancake breakfasts. You can't successfully overthrow
a planet without pancake breakfasts. Who knows, maybe Emeril
could help. I have spoken.
You see Man-At-Arms? That's you, that is.
See, drinking turpentine does cause brain damage.
Can you tell me the names of the song , or artist who plays
the songs of the cartoon ? Not the open theme , but all the
other action scenes os the cartoon , i had once recorded all
this music , but now the tape are lost , was 10 years ago ,
and i want try to find the musics again...
The artist that played the other songs is The Artist. Yes,
they were written and played by the Artist Formerly Known
as Prince back when he was known as Prince (Or "That
Weird Purple Freak" in some areas). Oh wait, I'm thinking
of Tron: The Animated Series again. He-Man's show music was
done by Haim Saban and Shuki Levy, of Power Ranger fame. They
own Fox. Really. Every damn show on Fox, even ones they had
nothing to do with, has that stupid Saban logo after it. I
hate Earth TV. Except this channel you call Cinemax. Yes,
Cinemax is gooooood...
that's all for now, losers. And with my ever-growing army
of darkness at my side, conquest of the universe will not
be far behind! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!! Hahahahahaha!
Haha. Heh. (ahem) Until the next insipid installment. BAM!
it for this batch of letters. I guess. Everyone with problems
(and that includes you) keep writing to email@example.com!"