Ask Gorpo!
Volume 09: May 9, 2000

Hi!
I'm Gorpo the Pretty Good (you may know my brother, Orko the Great, who is busy saving Eternia single-handedly and with absolutely no help whatsoever from anyone at all from Skeletor). Anyway, I've been, uh, asked to do this as a part of my community service after the Big Chicken Incident (don't ask, really). So ask about life, love, poultry, whatever. Just send it my way at gorpo@he-man.org and I'll try to answer as best I can. By the way, you can find all the old issues here.

Hello Readers, it seems (as you will see in this massive session) that some of you have realized that I am your mental and social superior, and now regard me as a god. I knew you humans weren't all stupid. So, read on, my loyal army of mindless followers and blind worshippers.

-Dan

Dear Dan,
Why, I'm just busy whipping up a 'don't waste my time' Doomberry Pie right as we speak...

So, here's my big question: Why haven't you taken over the Earth yet?

Our technology can't match that of the Horde, or even Eternia, and almost no one here uses magic anymore except for a few lousy witches and warlocks who think they have power because they're good at kissing demon butt to get favors. I mean, come on, what are you waiting for? An invitation? Well if so, consider yourself invited. Earth would be a hell of a lot more interesting with you ruling it, and once you've awakened this planet's dormant magical energies and assembled a loyal army over here, I'm willing to bet you could take Eternia as well... And after that, Etheria should come fairly easily. You've got a lot of supporters down here, you know. Earth's a pretty pathetic planet, yeah, but it doesn't have to stay that way. Not with you as our leader. Maybe you can see some big picture that I can't, and that's why you haven't come yet, but if so I'm begging you not to wait too long.

Your future servant (hopefuly),
The LunarHound

Dear Lunarhound,
Let me start off by saying I like you. I really like you. You're the kind of person that the Earth needs more of: worshippers of me, Almighty Gorpo. No, your technology can't match that of the Horde, and most of your magicians and warlocks are pretty lame (except those guys who sit in their parents' basements and play "Dungeons and Dragons" ...beware of them, they're a lot more powerful than you think!), but I prefer a challenge. Sure, I could waltz in and use my magic to kick the Earth's collective ass, but I'm working on doing it slowly, so no one really suspects anything, then, like my Earth-bound ally Emeril, BAM!! -- I take your whole planet over and create orchards of Waffle Trees and make all of your great supermodels and actresses into my personal love slaves. And you, Lunarhound, as my first and greatest follower, shall share in my glorious reign, as I rule the Earth with an iron fist, which I just stole from Fisto! Haha! I do see the big picture, and you can already see the disruptions in nature that I've caused on your planet. How else does someonelike Bill Clinton become the leader of the free world? How do supermodels defy gravity? How does Roseanne exist without pulling your planet into her gravitational pull? Me. Yes, that's right, just about every little thing you can't explain is due to my manipulations, and soon I will pull them all together, and none of you will be able to stop me! Besides that, my parole agreement only allows me to take over planets in "teensy-tiny steps so as not to disturb the cosmic balance".

---Jason the Duck---

Dear Jason,
Oddly enough, just last week, He-Man walked into the Laughing Swan Bar For Washed-Up Cartoon Heroes, got completely drunk, and insulted the mothers of pretty much everyone there. Lion-O was one of the first to challenge the drunken Master of the Universe, but He-Man bashed him over the head with Captain Planet's severed arm, and knocked him out cold. Then he beat up that Wonder Twin chick and drank her brother through a beer bong. I was buddies with Snarf, until I realized that he was almost as annoying as Loo-Kee. He was... delicious. Emeril helped me out with the recipe. BAM!! Anyway, Lion-O is now conscious and looking for a rematch, this time without Captain Planet, the one-armed bandit, getting in the way. Oh, and remember: Do unto others, then blame it on someone else.

Dear ...Idiot,
You know, Skeletor, I warned you last time. Write me again, and face the consequences. I'll pull out the old "Rob Liefeld Gun Spell" and open a can of deus ex machina on your ass. Or I'll sic Emeril on you. BAM!!

Where could I meet them? (Outside of your homeworld, that is. There's nothing worse than the girl's father coming in just as I intend to 'come in' as well...) Not so that I'd be asking you to set me up with one of your female cousins or anything like that...at least without a notable compensation.

Already rounding up as much valuables as it might take,
pH6

Dear pH6,
Ah, another person who knows the subtle art of flattery. Well, you see, Trollan women are Trolla's best-kept secret, and I'm technically not supposed to divulge that information. What I can tell you is that they've got the best refooomabs you'll ever see, and their gloobars are bigger than your head! Some of them wear that designer chic line, "Vagfhodsihsgds's Secret" under their robes, others wear nothing at all... mrrrrrow. A lot of them are interested in humanoids, especially (for some reason foreign to me) the ones on the WB's "Popular." Of course, those are the young, misguided ones. You can meet them at most Eternian bars, and on some street corners, but with those ones, if you're in it for love, you ain't gonna get too far. Your best bet would be to somehow transform yourself into a Trollan. The spell isn't too hard, actually. Of course, there have been the people who end up turning into a plain old fleece shirt, but such cases are... not too common. Old Navy usually gives them a good home, anyway.

Ram Man
Btw Orko IS more talented than you!

Ram-Man, Ram-Man, Ram-Man,
First, I'm blue, you color-blind son of a bearded cow-like sea creature. Second, it's not like you made it hard for me to read your diary, especially when it was sitting on your bed, with the key tied to it, and "Ram-Man's Plans of World Domination and Intimate Thoughts" stamped on it in big red letters. I'm glad you finally gave up that stupid idea anyway. We all know that you'd never find a magnet that big. And, if by "help me out" you mean "give me some stupid idea about making everyone breakdance into exhaustion, then take over the planet while they're not looking", then I'm glad it's the last time. They tried it in the '80s, it didn't work, and it sure as hell won't work now. And the next time I share your personal secrets will be on the upcoming Fox special "When Good Guys Who Hit Things With Their Heads Go Bad and Have Intimate Thoughts." And guess what, Orko's more talented than you. And that three-faced roommate of yours brings home more ladies than you ever will. They should start calling him Man-E-Ladies-At-The-Same-Time, instead.

P.S. Skeletor is a pansy. Eternia rulz!!

Big Daddy Jeff C.

Dear BDJC,
You *really* don't want to know.

Hoping that one day Orko will fall dead out of the sky,
Suzanne, Shadow Weaver fan >:P
SW rocks!

Dear Suzanne,
I don't have much time on my hands either, I generally wash it off. It tends to stick to my clothes. So, on to your question (in which you used the word 'almighty' to describe someone other than ME... you will be destroyed later). Shadow Weaver hates Orko, because he bumped into her when she was six, and her ice cream fell off the cone onto the ground. She hated him ever since. Oh, and he crashed a Wind Raider into her backyard, which forced her sixteen newborn puppies to wear leg braces and cones around their heads for ...going on eight years now. I'm sure that contributed along the line. Now, though, after she won her shadow back on The People's Court, they've surprisingly become the best of friends. They're out having coffee right now. And she's secretly plotting to kill him. She can't hide her diary any better than Ram-Man.

My Q is about "Eternia Pornograhpy"...I'm looking for He-Man and Masters of the Universe sex cartoons!!! Where can i find them??? Thanks a lot....

Cenk Erçin

Dear Sank Urchin,
You named your dogs after the two most annoying creatures on Eternia? Wow, either they're Chihuahuas, or they're going to be in doggie counseling for years. About your desire for cartoon characters in compromising situations with TV-MA ratings... all those sites were shut down by Teela (seems she was only 17 when those photographs were taken). I have them on my hard drive, and in large 60x180 format on my wall, though. No, you can't have them.

Thanks for your time,
Todd

Dear Todd,
In He-Man's t-shirt drawer, of course.

-mikey (gorpo for ever) b

Dear Mikey,
I was kinda curious, too: did you really like Life cereal, or was it all an act? As for your question, yes, I have my own web sight on the end of my own web gun. I use it to catch flies. Then I torture them. Mercilessly! Bwahahahahahahaha!!

There is one toy of me, Teela has it to keep her warm on cold nights... at least, she thinks it's a toy. Anyway, if you paint one of those god-awful Orko toys to look like me, I'll personally shove a ripcord in your side and rip it out and see how you like spinning around until you fall over. Todd McFarlane is making a toy of me... but I think it'll probably end up being incredibly detailed and muscular, with all kinds of torture devices and painful weapons. As well as being as poseable as Gwildor on a cold morining, and being splattered with blood and guts. And it'll snap apart more easily than Teela's bra strap when we... wrestle. At least, that's what we tell Adam.

Anyway, I plan to turn it sideways and shove it up his Canadian ass (McFarlane's, not Adam's). And then I'll steal his McGwire Baseballs and sell 'em on eBay. Muhahahahahahaha!

//rickard from sweden

Dear Rickard,
First, you've got to practice your English a little more. The Sorceress is wise, but she still can't speak any languages other than English and Klingon. Second, dating her wouldn't cause trouble for He-Man, unless you were keeping her on the phone or something while he was in serious trouble, like when he tries to empty the lint catcher on the dryer. Third, you've got to realize that you're on a completely different planet, and you've only seen the Sorceress on a cartoon! Jeez, go out in the real world and look for real women who don't wear feathers! Or ones that do, whatever suits your fantasies.

Due to the nature of evil alliances with the strong always dominating the weak, how was Skeletor able to hold the loyalty of his lackies. Honestly, it should be obvious to any troglodyte that after so many failures on Skeletor's part that his henchmen would soon find a new leader among themselves. Someone with more vision and sound strategies should have arisen and overthrown the Dark Lord of Destruction. My question, simply put, is why the devil did this never happen?

Thag say Gorpo smart. if Gorpo know answer Thag will give shiny to Gorpo. me have lots bright shinies. pretty. Thag want give shout out to home-boy Ram-Man. him drink lots of grogg and not fall down. do right thing.

me am,
-Thag

Dear Thag,
Wow, I want you in my army. I could use a dim-witted caveman-type who has flashes of genius. Yours is the most intelligent question this website has ever recieved, probably. This place draws morons like a buffet bar draws plus-sized models. Oh, and will you be sending that shiny by mail or FedEx? Anyway, the reason none of the henchmen ever found a leader amongst themselves is twofold. First, they bicker too much with each other to get anything done, even as little as Skeletor ever did. Hell, Two-Bad bickers with himself! Second, you said it'd be obvious to any troglodyte, but none of Skeletor's lackies are troglodytes, and few are that smart. His smartest henchman is Spikor, but no one can stand his voice long enough to realize it. He sounds like someone scratched their fingernails on a chalkboard while pureeing a cat eating silverware. So, like your planet's American government, no one is smart enough to do anything successfully, and no one is bold enough to change it. Of course, if I ran things, it'd be different. Evil-Lyn would walk around naked, for one thing. And I'd chain Beast Man out back. And we'd have more pancake breakfasts. You can't successfully overthrow a planet without pancake breakfasts. Who knows, maybe Emeril could help. I have spoken.

Yours sincerely,
Aidan

Dear Aidan,
See, drinking turpentine does cause brain damage.

Thanks
Juliana

Hi Juliana,
The artist that played the other songs is The Artist. Yes, they were written and played by the Artist Formerly Known as Prince back when he was known as Prince (Or "That Weird Purple Freak" in some areas). Oh wait, I'm thinking of Tron: The Animated Series again. He-Man's show music was done by Haim Saban and Shuki Levy, of Power Ranger fame. They own Fox. Really. Every damn show on Fox, even ones they had nothing to do with, has that stupid Saban logo after it. I hate Earth TV. Except this channel you call Cinemax. Yes, Cinemax is gooooood...

Well, that's all for now, losers. And with my ever-growing army of darkness at my side, conquest of the universe will not be far behind! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!! Hahahahahaha! Haha. Heh. (ahem) Until the next insipid installment. BAM!

Well,that's it for this batch of letters. I guess. Everyone with problems (and that includes you) keep writing to gorpo@he-man.org!"