I'm Gorpo the Pretty Good (you may know my brother, Orko the
Great, who is busy saving Eternia single-handedly and with
absolutely no help whatsoever from anyone at all from Skeletor).
Anyway, I've been, uh, asked to do this as a part of my community
service after the Big Chicken Incident (don't ask, really).
So ask about life, love, poultry, whatever. Just send it my
way at firstname.lastname@example.org
and I'll try to answer as best I can. By the way, you can
find all the old issues here.
Readers, how are ya's?
I'm back, and I'm betterer than ever! I'm the betterest of them
all! Hahahahahahaha! Of course, I'm still taking all those anti-decongestant
sinus nasal pillcaps, but I feel great! No more shall my scarf
run, or my eyes water, or my hands fall off into my Grolftarpalte
soup! I have returned! Oh, and Mr. Frabble tells me that your
puny, insignificant little mudball of a target... er... world,
set directly in the lint-filled navel of the universe, just
went through something called Y2K, so I suppose this installment
might not reach those of you who use pathetic, obsolete Earth
computers that should have exploded in glorious green balls
of nuclearactive flame! Hahahahahahahaha! My Commodore 64000001
surpasses even your mighty "iMac"! Hahahahah--* oh,
I already said that. Well, anyway, I think it's time for another
bottle of 190 proof NyQuil followed by a 26-Hour Sudafed (for
that drowsy, decapitated... er... disconnected feeling) and
a Jolt Cola chaser. Mmmmmm... stroke-a-licious. Oh look, letters.
Are there any sites where you can download MOTU episodes? I
dont know if its just me or what, but I cant find any. Oh yeah,
Jaundice is a condition where your skin turns yellow, if thats
what Evil-lyn has.
MOTU? What is this MOTU? Is it anything like the Dukes of
Hazzard? Mmmm... Daisy Duke... oh, wait... all capitals...
that must mean it stands for something! It's initialses! Let's
see... um... Many Old Tibetan Umpires? Mustard On Tired Uvulas?
Moldy Orange Tiny Underwear? Multiple Org--what do you mean
"we can't say that on this site," Mr. Frabble? Oh,
okay. Well, that dumb Frolke-in-a-jar says that "MOTU"
stands for "Masters of the Universe," and for info
on what sites have "Masters of the Universe" downloads,
ask one of the moronic bumbling humans who runs He-Man.org.
Do I look like a 'links' page to you? I didn't think so. I
haven't looked like that since college, but that was just
experimentation. It was one time! ONE TIME! Why can't you
just let me forget about it?!!! WHYYYYYYY? Oh, ahem. Anyway,
I know what jaundice is, it was that muscle-bound boob He-Man
who didn't. I ought to know, jaundice was one of the symptoms
of the cold I had last week. Of course, Trollan jaundice not
only turns you yellow, but red, green, violet, puse, and plaid.
Then, of course, your head inflates to roughly the size of
Britney Spears's uh... ego... and your ears turn into farm
equipment. Glad I could help.
I have a slight problem with my love-life. I was wondering if
you could help me out. See, if you haven't read it in my fanfic,
"Trouble on Cybertron" (I play Ninjor), there is a
girl who I have loved since Kindergarten. Here's the thing,
she doesn't know and she lives in Laf., LA now. I live in Franklin,
LA and I want to tell her, but I can never do it. The last time
I saw her was at her cousin's funeral back in June and I wanted
her to come over afterwards so I could tell her. If you could
help, I would be really greatful. Thanks.
Ah, young love. And fan-fic. These things go together like
toothpaste and orange juice. I don't know how far Laf., LA
is from Franklin, but I imagine that you're probably separated
by some sort of dimensional barrier of death, or you would've
just written her or something. By the way, it's never tactful
to display affection at a funeral. Believe me, I know from
experience. Buhla was not happy. And neither was her cousin.
Ew, I never should've done that... but in my defense, I was
drunk, and she looked so calm and peaceful...
I suppose you could always send her an anonymous Doomberry
Pie-Gram and then come to her rescue as she fades from existence.
That'll sink her for sure... unless you're like the last guy
I gave that advice to. How was I supposed to know he didn't
have tear ducts? Well, then again, you could call her and
tell her, but that's not very dramatic. Figure something out
that involves explosions, and you're set.
I am 17 and have been trying to find a MOC 1982 He-Man and the
only one I found is $150! This is crazy! Do you know someone
who could, you know, hook me up? I've wanted this every year
and my parents couldn't find one for Christmas. I search the
web almost everyday but, alas, to no avail. Please help!
You're 17? Congratulations! Well... MOC... more initials,
huh? Hmm... Mr. Frabble has no idea, and why you'd want a
1982 He-Man is beyond me. I'd like to put the days when he
had a pink-and-green "Flock of Seagulls" haircut
and dressed in leather and wore one white sequined glove behind
me. The thought of that neon blue eye-shadow he had still
sends chills down my shirt. Well, I could get you hooked up,
but Frosta's booked straight through next month, so you may
want to contact the insipid humans that run this website.
Thanks for writing! And stuff!
Is everything on Eternia Y2K compliant? Will Adam's and Adora's
swords work? I have to know 'cause I'm planning a trip there....
Well, I do believe that everything on Eternia was Y2K-compliant.
Of course, they had their year 2000 a long time ago, when
their most advanced technology consisted of two rocks and
a moldy piece of tree bark. They called it "Two Rocks
and a Moldy Piece of Tree Bark Day," as a matter of fact.
Basically, it consisted of two rocks and a moldy piece of
tree bark. Until the wind picked up and blew the piece of
tree bark away, which caused the tribal guys to go "oooh"
and "aaaah" and "Og hit me again," and
do the dance of rivers, which would please their gods, and
run for many nights on Broadway. As for Adam and Adora's swords,
they're working better than ever, and they can cut through
tomatoes, tree stumps, and even metal pipes. You can have
your very own set for the low low price of $599,999.95! Order
now, operators are standing by! Really -- we couldn't afford
chairs, they're just standing there with phones.
No! You can't sit down! So stop your whining.
Pika, pikikka pikapi kachucha ka chu pipii kapi kachu. Pi pikachu
pikapika pi pikapi ka chucha kachu pipii! Pika pi! :) Pi, pikapiki,
ka kapika chuchucha. Ki pikapi pika pika pikachu pika! Pikapika!!
Chu pikachu pikapi! Pika pikapi pi? Pika pika chu pika pika--
don't care about Squirtle's homosexual tendencies you little
yellow rat! This is an advice column, not a translator service!
Oh, sorry readers, I was getting a little annoyed by that.
Of course, you would be too if your brother owned all the
cards and sent you tapes from the show on a regular basis.
He even sent me a Pokemon toilet seat cover... I can't even
begin to tell you what's wrong with that. Anyway, once...
er... if this little guy wakes up, someone tell him to learn
a different word. Like the word "me". Then he'll
sound like every date I've ever had.
I've got a little time before I have to be back on Trolla...
I wonder if those foxy Cerulean chicks are free for some Poke-lovin',
Gorpo style! G'night readers, happy new year!
it for this batch of letters. I guess. Everyone with problems
(and that includes you) keep writing to email@example.com!"