Gorpo the Pretty Good (you may know my brother, Orko the Great,
who is busy saving Eternia single-handedly and with absolutely
no help whatsoever from anyone at all from Skeletor). Anyway,
I've been, uh, asked to do this as a part of my community
service after the Big Chicken Incident (don't ask, really).
So ask about life, love, poultry, whatever. Just send it my
way at firstname.lastname@example.org
and I'll try to answer as best I can. By the way, you can
find all the old issues here.
That little Trollan's computer was simple to break into! All
I had to do was hit "Cancel" on the password box!
I'm a genius!! With Gorpo's magical Pentium 200, I, Skeletor,
am one step closer to destroying that muscle-bound moron,
He-Man, and taking Grayskull! Hahahaha! Wait, look, he's got
naughty wallpaper! Oooohhh...you can "hunt" me any
day, you Silaxian fox. Mrrow!"
we get back to the conquering of the universe, Skeletor?"
woman. This doesn't concern you. Hey! Look at these...heehehe...heeeheheehehe!
It's funny to read about other peoples' problems! Hey, why
not answer 'em? It'll make me feel superior to laugh at the
misfortunes of others."
sounds like fun! No it doesn't! Yes it does! No, it doesn't,
you moron! Shut up!"
give Two-Bad his Ritilin."
what about the plan?"
can wait, Lyn. Like it's going to work anyway."
Uggh! I feel like a FOOL!, writing to a miserable little sack
of wind for advice!! But no one else has been able to help me
with my problem, so here goes:
have never been what you might call a "nice" person.
The tales of my dark deeds are legendary. From turning King
Randor into a goat, to helping Dark Dream blot out the sun,
you might say I've acquired a "reputation" for evil.
I had never really had much problem with this, rather enjoyed
the notoriety, actually. But lately, I've discovered that
people have been laying all manner of false blame at my feet.
Some of the lies circulating about me border on the ridiculous!
For example, that chestnut that Skeletor's robot warbird and
I are one and the same creature! And that rumor that I am
(Ancients forbid!) an EARTHLING by birth, who arrived on Eternia
at the same time as Queen Marlena! Preposterous!!
was wondering if you had any advice as to how I might go about
clearing up these inaccuracies about my history and powers.
I have considered transforming anyone I catch spreading these
wild stories about me into the moss that grows on the underside
of rocks, but I am really a very busy woman, and I'm not sure
that there are that many rocks on Eternia! Perhaps a simple
"Defamation of Character" spell might be of use?
to me that you have some actual worth, unlike that bothersome
brother of yours! Give me some advice I can USE!
I, Skeletor, shall field this first query! Hahahahahahaha...ha...oh.
Well, hmm... let's see... There's my name! Cool. Hmm...these
situations seem familiar...King Goat...Dark Dream...wait!
Evil-Lyn, have you been writing to this Trollan?
plead the fifth."
is Eternia, there is no so-called "fifth."
you're not really an earthling?
you don't turn into Screech?
And you never have been any of those things?
Well, my advice is that you be more detailed on your next
resume, E. Otherwise, your boss could get the wrong idea.
I write in urgency. I am a palace guard, but despite all this
charisma, I am not happy with my life, and have decided to
become a Horde Trooper... Hordak pays me more money than King
Randor, and plus, I get to see She-Ra. Maybe I might even
get to capture her, so that Hordak will reward me. If I had
done something good at Randor, all I would get is a medallion.
But other things beyond rational and quantitative analysis
brings me to confusion. In Eternia, I get to go fishing on
my days off, but in Etheria, all I will do is breathe in polution
of the fright zone. And my commander will be Grizzlor, if
I am lucky enough to make it that high. he is the most beautiful
(HELP>) thing there...AAAAH! But Teela, there is a beauty.
What do you suggest? Maybe I should just retire and join the
I've never been in sssuch a sssituation. All I know isss that
Palaccce Guardsss get beat up a lot lessssss than Horde Troopersss...and
Troopersss ssseem to be much more metallic. You may sssee
She-Ra once in awhile, but it'sss probably right before she
kicksss your ssskidplate. And Grizzlor isss particularly ssstupid
and disssgusssting, but no more ssso than that warm-blood,
Teela. Her ssskin isss ssso pink and ssscale- lessssss. I
much prefer women with more color. Green, or tan, or olive,
or sssomething. Yesss. Ssso I sssuggessst that you join the
Sssnake Men, and help our empire rissse to itsss former glory!
If you refussse, you will die! Or be thrown into tediousss
and pointlessssss labor. Or maybe forccced to danccce for
our pleasssure on cold nightsss. King Hissssss isss mercccilessssss!
Ow! Ow! I think I thpwained mah tongue. Thoot.
Hi there, I was wondering if you could anwser a question for
me. A while back there was commercial for a mysterious She-Ra
action figure that you could send away for. The figure's silhouette
looked like the cartoon version of Adora (In the purple and
white outfit that was a carbon copy of Adam's costume). Could
you enlighten me on this mystery figure?
Bah! Foolish mortal! I can't beleive you'd actually ask about
toys! Humans are so strange. Rather than playing with fun
things, like "Barbie's Dream Iron Maiden" and "Easy-Bake
Housepets," you play with flimsy plastic likenesses of
stupid heroic fools like He-Man and She-Ra. "Mystery
Figure?" Ha! The only mystery is why people actually
get enjoyment from such objects. Your question is not worth
my time. However, those idiotic, immature humans on that "Guardians
of Grayskull" mailing list can help. I'm sure there's
information on it somewhere on this moronic website. I hate
(Hernandez, Luis M. @ Miami)
There is a continuity problem. In the early He-man minicomics
He-Man was this big jungle guy. He was like from a barbarian
tribe. No Adam. Well, how come Adam showed up later? And who
the hell is Skeletor, really? And why is Cringer such a pussy?
He-Man still is a barbarian! He's a total idiot! A Buffoon!
A--get away from me, Beast Man!
But you already answered a letter. It's my turn."
up, you flea-bitten furball.
of these days I'll do something really bad to you...that'll
show you. I'll show you ALL!"
Ken, you fool, He-Man is a stupid, barbaric idiot. And He's
muscle-bound. There's no 'contiunuty problem.' And Skeletor
is me! Er...I! Um...I'm Skeletor! Really! And Cringer is a
pussycat because his mother was a pussycat and his father
was a pussycat. Don't you humans know fundamental biology?
See, the mother and the father get together and perform a
dark and evil spell to create a spawn from their own magic
auras, and that spawn kills them and grows up to rule the
universe! Hahahaahahahahaahahahaaha! Ahem.
I need to make a choice, I am a palace guardian at the Eternian
royal palace of King Randor. Hordak has offered me to join his
Horde Troopers, and offers a TRIPLE THE HIGH WAGE I GET HERE,
and a villa at Etheria Hills 3498574, with lots of beautiful
girls in the pool. So, er, gulp, what do I do? The advantages
of Hordak's Fright Zone service is... MONEY, THE VILLA, But,
I will get orders from Grizzlor. Oh C'mon, Grizzlor or the beautiful
Teela, from which do you think is better getting orders from,
a hair ball, or a beauty? Advantages of RANDOR is: TEELA THE
MEDALLIONS Really, what is it going to be, please tell me Gorpo,
i am going to the interview with Shadow Weaver in a few hours,
so hurry up!
You should go to Hordak. No, stay with Randor! No, Hordak!
Randor! Hordak's got the Villa! But Randor has Teela! So?
So what? What? Huh? What's going on? You idiot, you made me
lose my train of thought! Oh yeah, well I lost mine first!
No, I did! Shut up!
Am I the only person...who actually remembers the original idea
of He-Man? Maybe you can help me; I remember when the figures
originally came with mini-comics. Wasn't He-Man supposed to
be a barbarian from a semi-primitive tribe? Why did the tv show
deviate from this, in my opinion, cooler storyline?
I am dying to find out what Battle-Cat's name was before he
turned into Battle Cat. And what about She-Ra and her horse??
Fool! Battle Cat had no name before he became Battle Cat!
He was called "fetus"! As for She-Ra and her horse,
I don't know what they do in their spare time together, but
I'm sure it's unholy.
it right there, bonehead!"
crap. I didn't even get my plan started! Um...run away!"
Hey, Gorpo, good thing we got to your computer before they
could really do some damage."
Battle Cat. Now I can get back to my mind-numbingly boring
community service assignment."
wasn't a joke, He-Man."
man, they messed with my preferences! And the contrast is
all off... this is gonna take forever to fix. Oh well, at
least my Silaxian Cigarette Co. "Girl o' the Month"
wallpaper's still up. See you later, He-Man. And you too,
loyal readers! Well...uh...that's it for this batch of letters.
I guess. Everyone with problems (and that includes you) keep
writing to email@example.com!"