Gorpo the Pretty Good (you may know my brother, Orko the Great,
who is busy saving Eternia single-handedly and with absolutely
no help whatsoever from anyone at all from Skeletor). Anyway,
I've been, uh, asked to do this as a part of my community
service after the Big Chicken Incident (don't ask, really).
So ask about life, love, poultry, whatever. Just send it my
way at firstname.lastname@example.org
and I'll try to answer as best I can. By the way, you can
find all the old issues here.
Hello, my loyal army of minions-- er, readers. It's me, your
Trollan Interplanetary Advice Columnist, Gorpo. I've got a
whole slew of letters for this next article, which is kind
of my problem. I get a lot of mail, and because of that, a
lot of so-called "spam." Unfortunately, despite
my attempts to reply to all the letters I get, some of the
questions get deleted. So, to make it easier on me and to
ensure that your question is answered, could you please include
my name in the subject line of your mails? Thanks, and enjoy
this batch of letters.
I hear Clamp Champ is Skeletor. Is this true? And what do the
King and Queen do all day? Why do the characters on the cartoon
sometimes stare blankly at the viewer? Is it just me or does
Shokoti look like that Lisa chick on News Radio? Keldor p.s.
I am NOT Skeletor, now I have to get back to Snake Mountain
my arch-enemy He-Man broke my Havoc Staff.
Ah, four questions. What a great way to start off a new batch
of letters. Well, should I number the answers, or just answer
them in order... or maybe a bulleted list? What do you think,
Mr. Frabble? Oh, who asked you anyway? Stupid frolke. Well,
I guess I should tell you that Clamp Champ is not Skeletor,
despite what the Eternian tabloids say. I will let you in
on a very exclusive secret, though: Clamp Champ is really
Billy Dee Williams. Note the same hairstyle... he just shaved
the 'stache and pumped up a bit. He still smells like Colt
45. Oh, and that "power pincher?" $9.99 at the Pro
Shop. He found it on the clearance rack. Anyway, to answer
your second question, the King and Queen do plenty. The King
is best known for songs like "Heartbreak Hotel"
and "Suspicious Minds," while the more recent Queen
made the already-classic "Bohemian Rhapsody" and
"We Are the Champions." I hope that answers your
question. As for why characters stare blankly at the viewer...
... ...oh! Sorry, I was just busy staring blankly. Your last
question puzzles me... the only "Shokoti" I know
is Phil Shokoti who owns the barber shop on the corner of
12th and 3rd in downtown Eternos. He looks nothing like Lisa,
but does bear a striking resemblance to Alan Alda (Hawkeye
from M*A*S*H). Thank you, Keldor, for sending me these questions,
and giving me reason to think about limiting the maximum number
allowed in one mail. Toodle-oo!
I know this great place on Trolla that'll fix your Havoc Staff
real cheap. Just look for Swhaf-rao's Magic Store in Fuschal...
right next to the Donut shop. You can't miss it.
I have a problem which I have yet to see addressed in your insightful
column. Like several of your writers, this problem involves
a beautiful girl. Unlike your other writers, however, this beautiful
girl is stalking me, and intends to do me definite harm! I go
to work each day, and am only minding my own business: taxing
Etherian peasants, oppressing those weaker than myself, crushing
the hope of the righteous, that sort of thing, when from out
of nowhere this big blonde shows up, and beats me over the head
with a tree trunk, or tosses me off of a cliff, or cleaves me
in two with her sword, or any number of uncalled-for acts of
violence against my person! I cannot count the number of times
I've had to be spackled back together, only to be battered beyond
recognition the next time this girl crosses my path. What can
I do? Please don't suggest the "safety in numbers"
approach: this girl can deal with squads of my co-workers and
me at a time, rendering us to component parts without even getting
breaking a sweat! Any advice as to how I might deal with my
problem would be greatly appreciated. Do you think a restraining
order would be of any use?
Horde Trooper #816670469
Well, first, I suppose I should thank you for calling me insightful.
Thanks. Next, I have to say, you are incredibly lucky that
you weren't programmed to feel pain. If you were, I pity you,
and suggest that you shut down that section of your CPU. (Special
thanks to Man-At-Arms and Roboto for giving me a crash course
in technology to help answer letters like these). Anyway,
I think your best bet is to take a vacation. Stop crushing
the Etherian peasants and taxing the hope of the righteous
for awhile, and lie low. You should consider quitting your
job altogether. I'm sure a high-tech construction such as
yourself is quite well-rounded and suited for a number of
tasks. You may want to... oh, why bore you with my organic
suggestions? I'll let Roboto take over from here.
my robotic friend. I, with my immense planet-sized mental
capacity, have compiled a list of all jobs available on Etheria,
cross-referenced with your own design schematics, in a way
that will stimulate your challenge circuits and pleasure diodes,
and leave your ennui receptors entirely inactive. Allow me
to transfer it to you in binary code. 0101000010010000100010000100111000100000100000001001001000100101011...
hmm. I could swear it was longer than that. It seems that
the only tasks you can possibly perform with any pleasure
or challenge are guard duties, combat, and crushing hopes
and oppressing those weaker than you. In other words, the
only job on Etheria that suits you is Horde Trooper. My new
suggestion: Buy plenty of duct tape and an armor repair kit,
and be prepared to be destroyed on a regular basis."
I hope that helped. Uh...bye.
Are there any really raw he-man figures out there like wonder
bread he-man? And how many wonder bread he-man figures are there,
any in packs that you know of?
He-Man figures? What is this? I happen to know that He-Man
hates figures. You should see him doing his taxes. He screams
and curses like a sailor in a flying boat that's rapidly crashing
into a Horde galleon. In fact, he's been known to say "math
is hard" like another famous blond (who happens to be
employed by the same company). Besides that, I don't think
you'd be able to get He-Man raw anyway. He prefers to be cooked,
as you can tell by his great tan. After another ten minutes
on the grill he should be mostly brown with a slightly pink
center. Thanks for asking!
Can you stand one more letter from some shmuck with girl problems?
I've been seeing this gorgeous Etherian girl (friend-of-a-friend
sort of thing), and we've really hit it off! We have a lot in
common, we enjoy a lot of the same things: spinning in place
at top speed, thwarting evil, the usual stuff. I don't even
mind that she's much taller than me! She's a great gal, and
we get along great. My problem is the way she dresses: she is
never without her long, fringed skirt and gauntlets. They look
great on her (and what wouldn't! :), but when we're together,
the fringe is constantly getting wound up in my gyro-top, tangling
my spin mechanism and setting me crashing on my face! Is it
wrong for me to ask a girl to change the way she dresses for
me? I think I love her, but being near her leaves me black and
blue! Is this relationship doomed? Any advice?
"Dizzy and Dented"
"Any advice?" HA! Here's a tip: I've always got
advice for you. No need to ask. Plenty of advice. And when
I don't, I find someone who does! Anyway, your problem is
not the first of its kind that I've encountered. Many of my
Trollan friends have had difficulties trying to get their
loved ones to change their clothes for a number of reasons
(one because his girlfriend's clothes smelled like something
a Garok tossed up, another because her boyfriend's hat interfered
with her radio reception) I think the best advice would be
to talk to her. Be completely honest. If she cares about you
and your relationship, then she'll understand, and perhaps
switch to jeans or tights. If she doesn't, then either break
the relationship off, or start wearing a helmet when you go
to her house.
I never heard how it all ended. You know, He-Man being gone.
Why and how? If you could answer, that would be great.
From a true fan
Oh, He-Man wasn't gone for long. It ended last week. I assume
you're talking about his vacation, right? He went hiking in
the Mystic Mountains, where he diverted a river or two to
irrigate dying croplands. He then went surfing on the Crystal
Seas and had a nice relaxing massage from a... uh... "skilled"
masseuse in the polar caps of Etheria. He returned on the
first day of this week to a huge pile of junk mail on his
doorstep and an even... uh... larger pile in Cringer's litter
box. Despite the smell in his room, He-Man says he's feeling
more relaxed than ever.
Whats is the name of Battle Cat when he is not in battle mode?
Somebody told me ceril but it just doesn't sound right. Thanks
for your help.
Well, Battle Cat doesn't really have a battle mode... oh wait,
yes he does. I'd forgotten about the surgical enhancements
he had on his recent trip to Cybertron. His battle mode is
an eighteen-wheeler called "BattleCatimus Prime."
Now when he turns back into the "fraidy-cat" Cringer,
he's got wheels on his shoulders!
I have a whole bunch of problems. I'm 19, I live on Etheria,
and I'm a part of the Great Rebellion. I lead a double-life,
and each identity has its own... uh... boyfriend. I'm only really
dating one, a sailor... let's call him "Ocean Eagle,"
and he's really charming and a great asset to the Rebellion.
He's in love with the real me, and I think I love him too. I've
only got two problems with him: he's a little over-protective
(which often leads to my "alter-ego" having to save
him) and he's got really bad breath. I guess he's got a mouth
like a sailor... no, that means he curses, doesn't it? Anyway,
whenever we kiss, I have to wipe my mouth off to get rid of
the awful taste. The other man, I'll call him "Beau,"
likes my alter-ego and he's also a pretty good fighter. Even
though I'm dating Ocean Eagle, I often end up flirting with
him when I'm in my other identity. Unfortunately, he's clumsy,
a really bad singer (though he tries often), and kind of a...
um... fruit. He's a little festive, and he's been known to dress
in women's clothing. So, what do you think I should do? Who
should I choose?
"Tempted by a Fruit and my Lover"
You know, I think I saw this on an episode of "Yrrej-Regnirps"
(a popular talk show here on Trolla)... "Rebelling Teens
Leading Double-Lives and the Sailors with Halitosis and Friuty
Singers that love them"... too bad I taped over that
one, it'd probably be insightful. Okay... well, you must first
be honest with yourself. Look inside and weigh your feelings
toward each man. You said you think you love "Eagle,"
but you flirt with "Beau." This suggests that your
relationship with Eagle is more mature and solid, while your
relationship with Beau is more playful and friendly, and perhaps
more physical-based. In other words, dump 'em both and come
to my place. Just say the word and I'll teleport you here...
or into the tarpits, but that was a freak accident. Really.
Besides, I said I was sorry. See ya soon!